That, in and of itself, is not an explanation one way or the other for what I am and what I feel now.  But over the years, I have consistently been a “nominal” Catholic, with regular attendance at Sunday mass as the lynchpin of my decidedly-low but constant “religiosity.”

I have tried — but not found — any link between my religion (or my “religiosity”) to my life.  I haven’t found a connection between it and how I feel, how much of a failure i see myself as now.

But one of the more painful — and puzzling — aspects is the absence of what I personally view as “help” from God in the worst days on my life.  (Believe me, there are more bad days than good — far more.)

Everyone around me insists I pray — and I have.  Honestly?  Yes.  Contritely?  I think so.  Sincerely?  Definitely.

They say God answers all your prayers.  I guess His answer to me has remained true throughout the years:  “No.”

So here I am, not only alone, lonely, depressed, sad…but also poor.

I have tried to think…what have I done that is so evil that I forfeited any chance of human and physical redemption?  How bad have I been that I now have no chance at any form of happiness?  Why can’t I even be loved by — much less love — the people I wish could be part of my life?

Over the almost 60 years of my life, I have been silent.  Except for occasional outbursts of pain and anger, I have kept my innermost thoughts and fears to myself, refusing to get into drawn out discussions about why I do things that way.

I am now at that stage when voicing my fears ang regrets is important — almost critical — to keeping my sanity.  Each day is filled with pain, depression and sorrow and yet no one knows how deeply I hurt.

I hope that by writing about everything that has made me what I am today — sad, lonely, unhappy, alone — I may lift the burden that crushes me more each day.  Few people know the physical and mental pain of depression; I do, because I live it everyday.

I need — before I die — to feel joy and the ecstacy of happiness.  That is the one wish I have left…one day of pure, unadulterated joy.

Is that too much to ask?